Qualities of a Perfect man

Eight qualities of the perfect man for a woman on Valentine’s day…
-Brave
-Intelligent
-Gentle
-Polite
-Energetic
-Nutty
-Industrious
-Sensitive

and if all of it fails…
well…
read the CAPITAL LETTERS only then!

Doctor’s Advice

– Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
– That depends,says the doctor. Do you smoke?
– No
– Do you drink?
– No
– Do you fool around with loose women?
– Of course not!
– Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

Washing Machine

A man is walking behind his wife and says,
“Baby you arse  is getting so fat its looking like a washing machine.”
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bed time, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says,
“I’m not  starting  the washing machine for such a small load.
You’ll have to hand wash it!”

Lie detector robot

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
Son says “at school dad.”
Robot slaps the son!
“Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!”
“What dvd?”
“Toy story.”
Robot slaps the son again!
“Ok, it was porn” cries the son.
“What! When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was” says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs “HaHaHa! He’s certainly your son.”
Robot slaps The Mum!

Micheal Jackson and Bobby Brown arguing

Micheal Jackson and Bobby Brown were arguing once about who was the best dancer.At last they said when they go to heaven they will decide.

Mariah Carey and Madonna were arguing once about who the was greatest prostitute.At they said when they get to heaven they will decide.

Busta Rhymes (very ugly man) said he was the ugliest man in the world and nobody argued with him…

In heaven, Michael Jackson came out of the door and told Bobby Brown, “You see I told you I was the greatest dancer!”

Madonna came out of the door and said, “You see I told you I was the greatest prostitute!”

Busta Rhymes came out of the door and was angry…they asked him what the matter was and he asked then, “WHO THE HELL IS TARIBO WEST?”

Fish Instead

A girl calls her Boyfriend…

Girl : Honey, where are you?

Boyfriend : I’m at the bank.

Girl : Dear, please I need N3000 to activate my blackberry, 5000 to do my hair and 10,000 to buy a dress.

Boyfriend : Sorry, I meant I was at the “bank” of a river Niger.

Do you want some fish maybe?

The Lesson

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly the husband burst into the kitchen,crying “Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt.
USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife was staring at him in surprise, “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Miscommunication with signals

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”

She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, “What?’ and the man repeats his gestures. “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE”

The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her “What in the hell was that?”

She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”