Escape

A man calls a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in the room 27.
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him, "No, the room is empty."
“Good,” says the man. “That means I must have really escaped.”

Life before computers

-Memory was something that you were loosing with age
-An application was meant for employment
-A program was a TV-show
-A keyboard was a piano
-A web was a spider’s home
-A virus was the flu
-A CD was a bank account
-A hard drive was a long trip on the road
-A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
-If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody will find out.

Guaranteed weight loss program.

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his

doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program.

“Guaranteed like heck,” he thinks to himself. “But let’s see what they think they can do.”

So he calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day,10 pounds weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers,there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Well,without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn’t).

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has

his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last

time and thinks to himself with a nod,”I like the way this company

does business.”

For the next two days the same girl shows up and the same thing

happens each time.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pounds weight

loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems

like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might

be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it,there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her.

But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze.She is

wonderful, the best he has ever had.

The man is really looking forward to the next four days… For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.

On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

“I love this company,” he thinks to himself, “I never knew

losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.”

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and

subscribe to the companies 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. “Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program.Haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it.

There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads “If I can catch you, I can have you.”

Doctor’s Advice

– Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?
– That depends,says the doctor. Do you smoke?
– No
– Do you drink?
– No
– Do you fool around with loose women?
– Of course not!
– Well, then, why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?

Washing Machine

A man is walking behind his wife and says,
“Baby you arse  is getting so fat its looking like a washing machine.”
The woman keeps quiet and keeps walking.

Bed time, the man is asking for sex.
The woman says,
“I’m not  starting  the washing machine for such a small load.
You’ll have to hand wash it!”